Heartstoppers

Heartstoppers occur, you know it will go away.  These occur anytime sensitive boundaries are unknowingly breached. A heartstopper is a real physiological reaction to the unexpected.  It is a hard thud followed by a slight dizzying sensation and sometimes a shortness of breath, almost as if it’s been knocked out of you.  1-2-3-4-5

Don’t say anything. Your stomach lurches, begins to twitch or sinks.  Absorb the sensation… It will pass.Welcome to the reptilian/primitive brain kicking in.  Much has been written about this nasty function that seemingly occurs with-out even thinking; an evolutionary adjustment tactic for survival –probably.  A construct that is detrimental to our psychological, emotional and cognitive interactions-very probably.  There has been some research conducted that supports the premise of rejection piggybacking on to pain receptor sites in the brain. This would create strong neuro –chemical bonding producing a physical causality. i.e. shortness of breath, stomach lurching a real physical pain in the chest! There has also been a correlation between individuals who take  Tylenol/acetaminophen and a reduction in the pain associated with rejection/loss.Your natural tendency is to cover for yourself, posture/present/protect in a manner that buffers and mitigates the event or is

self-soothing.

Tip: Engage the brain.  Blurting out the first thing that come to your mind is really not a good idea.  (X) statements_____________

usually begin with buts, and end in watered down excuses.  This is an open ended recipe for disaster and communication breakdown.

Here is a heartstopper- Ladybird has a seminar over the weekend.  DH/polybird would like to accompany her.  The problem I have with this is I am not sure ‘I believe’ everyone is on the same page.  There has been too much discussion about the nature of polyamory, what it is and conceptualizing this type of relationship structure.  Polybird is fine, so he tells me, with remaining in a friends with benefit (fwb) situation.  The intuitive part of me senses a curiosity from what could be my metamour and her significant other (SO). The only thought I could come up with was let this pairing mature on its own, try not to compartmentalize it, or name it!  My preference is for a very ethical and fideletous boundary.  We just need to ensure it is fully consensual. I can’t handle

drama-yet in a medical emergency I turn into super nurse/doctor/researcher, go figure!  It is hard for me to allow free flowing progression of a fwb arrangement, notice the terminology, to something more! By something more- I don’t know what that is. I have nothing to compare it with.  It does not quite seem like what ‘I believe’ polyamory to be. So… I thought maybe we should redefine

our notion of what love and emotional attachment is more clearly, as the Greeks did.

Western society would have us believe in the princess (happy ever after) concept of love and relationships, though we understand that to be far-fetched. Ah…. But then maybe there is a small seed of truth. One person for romance and love.  How then do we explain dating?  Is dating a search for the one… trial monogamy?  We have become a culture that is serially-monogamous pairings.

My question is this… ‘how is this any better, periodically chopping up and redistributing family units? It sounds like some kind of a test or lab experiment.  Take beaker number one and add it to beaker number two and you have created a familial unit, Ta-da.  The Greek clearly defined six classifications of love and emotional attachment. Not all of these six were regarded as beneficial. Agape’ you are probably familiar with.  It is a selfless love for all and a universal loving kindness for strangers.  Eros was considered to be a dangerous fiery and irrational form of love, often defined by a loss of control (sexual passion) and was not to be sought after.

Phila means friendship. This friendship shared emotional bonds as well as the associated traits of comradery, loyalty and sacrifice.  Between a parent and child this would be called storge. Ludus is a playful love affection between children and ‘young love’) note the terminology, again.

Flirting, teasing are the hallmarks of this kind if adult frivolity.  You’ve seen this before as new relationship energy –can you say NRE people! 

Pragma- this is the one I find interesting.  Greek culture strived to obtain this. It is described as a longstanding love, with deep understanding that has developed in long paired/married individuals where-by the make compromises to help the relationship work, displaying patience and tolerance. bingo- Bingo-BINGO! They made an effort to give as well as receive.  Wow…. I really think they might be on to something here.

Last but not least is Philautia or self-love which enhances a wider capacity to love.  If you have enough love/belief in yourself you will have plenty to offer others. Some would call this self-actualization others would call this self-compassion while others still might refer to this

as a form of polyamory.

I know’ in theory’ this is not my relationship it is polybirds. I am, however, included in it because of my bond to DH/polybird.  I Feel as though I see things very much cut and dried, even living with-in the lifestyle.  A tomato is a tomato and not a fruit! Yes?  I view DH ‘Polyness” as shifting realities almost like that of free form art; while he on the other hand, tells me that his own concept of poly is

well defined and he tries to adhere to that premise as a matter of honor!   So how so we get past this ambiguousness.  I think in this instance everyone should meet.  It’s not an impasse… it’s a puzzle that needs to be teased apart thread by thread-no shortcuts!