Thursday, June 11, 2015

Never Are We Broke
The Advantages of a Poly/Mono
Relationships
For those who need simple but powerful reassurance.  Thanks to the following individuals:
Elise, Tom, Jen, Gwen, Nattydreadsista, and lastly Polybird

·         More amenable (M)
·         More attentive (M) Polys get to be their real self.  In doing so they will feel more supported and will want to reciprocate and provide for their mono partner’s needs (P) and become more affectionate as a result(M)
·         Often find you will do more together (M)
·         You must live in the hear and now /present (M)
·        You Must accept the truth (P/M)
·         You must consider others in the relationship (P/M)
·        You must work together, through compromise (M/P)
·         Potentially can provide more friends (P/M)
·         Provides bonding through problem solving (M)
·         Provides shared development of character (M)
·         Provides development of humor unique to the couple (M)
·         Provides expansion of social circles, social groups and activities. (M)
·         Provides opportunities and challenges to strengthen life-mate bonds (M)
·         Poly halves are happier being who they are (P)
·         Provides opportunities to gain new knowledge (M)
·         Provides opportunities to develop support systems and resources (P)
·         Provides opportunities to develop/build a support system with metamours (M)
·         Removes lying(P)
·         Removes cheating(P)
·         Remain in a relationship with someone whom you love and who loves you back (P/M) Each individual is loved for who they are (P) The good stuff only comes when each person is able to look at the larger picture of what it is to have a mono/poly partner and genuinely value and love that aspect of your partner. To be able to understand how they experience the world around them, thus permeating every aspect of their person making them who they are.(M)
·         May be able to develop the ability to connect at a deeper level with poly friends of your partner especially if you’re are working on being open minded. (P)
·         Mono’s do not have to be the sole emotional support of their partners (P) Partners do not have to feel guilty that they don’t want to rely on Mono’s to such an extensive degree (P)
·         It is a benefit for some individual to support their poly partner’s sexuality especially in instances of mismatched libidos and unmet needs for exploration. Suppression of desires and feelings often lead to negative behaviors (i.e. arguing, communication breakdowns) (P)
·         M have the freedom to explore and build relationships with other past the point of (flirty, emotional, physical) that normally in a monoamorous arrangement would not be considered (P)
·         The potential exist that potential friendships can develop with in the newly extended family (P)
·         Provides time to learn to be comfortable being alone or by yourself (M/P)
·         Provides opportunities for couples to structure relationships which work for them in which they can grow, expand boundaries and learn to love in different ways. (P)
·        Creates time to learn better self-introspection and communication skills (P)
·        Provides more honesty
·        Provides more sharing  of home life




I hope you see this as a blessing and source of hope.

P= Poly statement   M= Monogamous statement

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Friends with Benefits, Pleased to Meet You

Friends with Benefits, Pleased to Meet YOU
Reality TV is pervasive now days, recently a new series has come to the foray… you guessed it ‘Neighbor’s with Benefits’ following several married couples in suburban Ohio as they swapped partners.  Sorry to say, as of this writing A&E has discontinued the series after only 2 episodes. Okay, I have to find the remaining seven episodes if only to see how they treat the subject matter. I read a study, posted to the Journal Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2013, by researcher Peter Jonason of the University of Western Sydney, that focused on defining booty call, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits arrangements and other casual sex relationships "There is such a range of relationships, and we tend to be loose in the terms we use to define and describe them," (Pappas, 2015) Jonason said.
Jonason wanted to provide definitions that offered insight into the functions of each of these relationships. Each participant was asked to rank how likely booty calls, friends with benefits (people who have casual sex while remaining "just friends"), long-term relationships and one-night stands were to fulfill each of four functions: sexual gratification, social and emotional support, a "trial run" for a serious relationship and a placeholder to stave off boredom or to bide time until something better came along. (Pappas, 2015)
Apparently, my intrinsic definition of friends with benefits (FWB) is not the same as other folks; this in itself may explain some of the difficulty we have as paired couples, singles or life partners in our overall responses to the notion of casual sex. No one is on the same page! I am also of the opinion that most would refer to this scenario as pure semantics.  Just as there is more than one way to practice polyamory i.e. poly dating, poly sex, tantric poly, dating with in your own preferential relationship style, the same is true for all other self-proscribed boundaries.  My personal belief is you can choose to either live or not live with in your preferred construct of relational identities. Yes I can hear the booing from the poly corner of the ring but… just because your status changes does not mean you no longer prefer being open or closed. Isn’t it really about the freedom to act on your preference whether or not one does so?
Monogamous individuals have practiced poly variations and withdrawn for various reasons the most notable being that particular relationship style was not compatible with their own identity. We are all too familiar with and or well aware of polyamorous individuals who have practiced monogamous variants as a current reflection of their relationship.  I define a friends with benefit (FWB) relationship as a variation of open marriage (blanket or umbrella term) with the following things in common
·         Usually friends
·         Have common interests
·         Outgoing
·         Honest
·         Transparent
·         Degree of trust present between consenting adults
·         Generally one reserves a gesture or particular intimacy for their life partner
For me, I associate a FWB relationship with swinging rightly or wrongly.  I also firmly believe that there are boundaries present to protect the original couple structure.  This is primarily due to the fact once you stray outside those parameters/rules the potential for emotional involvement becomes much more real and overlaid with happy hormones produced during intercourse itself forming a stronger chemical bond than one without a physical component.  Based on discussion with others in the lifestyle, those practicing FWB, Many do not play outside a closed circle of friends.
The urban dictionary defines FWB as two friends who have sexual relationship with-out being emotional involved or good friends having casual sex with-out commitment of any kind and lacking jealousy. Another defines FWB as any relationship whereby friends are actively engaged in a relationship a step down from a serious one but not so far as to exclude physical involvement. Middle ground exists between hot and heavy romance and a platonic relationship, quixotically it is also referring to such as a fence sitting because the relationship could tip in either direction.
Elite daily has posted an Op-ed piece titled the Ten Commandments to being Friends with Benefits here elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-comman…. by Gayana Sarkisova. Should you wish to read the full article. The rules are simple and not at all what a poly peep would be comfortable with.  In fact they would argue with you till the cows come home over the concept. But, for a swinger like myself they are easily applied and non-threatening. That being said because poly-bird and I are in Poly-Mono Swing Style of relating and choose to be open at this time… compromises have been made to define what is acceptable to both of us in boundaries and perimeters that cannot be crossed.
For polybird it is a step down from full on poly relationship, where-as for me it is step toward it! In that
·         Emotional connections already exist
·         Txts, occur daily and frequently
·         NRE is in full swing as in all she talks about is Polybird while he becomes defensive if I verbalize what I believe are common and very noticeable instances of “giddy” behavior
·         She is not interested in seeking new relationships or keeping the door open to such. At least not that I have been told. The rational is they are too busy to do so. Polybird would be happy to maintain the status quot at this time.
·         Some jealousy is present already. This tidbit popped out in discussions; over a hypothetical scenario that has zero % probability of occurring, between Poly bird and Lady-bird.
It is strange where one finds the truth waiting to be uncovered!  You just need to ask the right questions. So this bring me back to the original question is this a friends with benefits situations?  Categorically yes between Lady-birds significant other and myself though I’m afraid the same cannot be said for Poly and Lady bird. My belief is that she is more comfortable using terms like open relationship or swinging to define her current preferred status and so is Poly bird though he always refers to what exists, between all parties concerned, as friends with benefits which is technically not true.  My ultimate disadvantage throughout all of this is, I believe, is a lack of emotional availability.  I seem to find it harder and harder and much more difficult with each passing moment to be emotionally present. Apparently the emotional traumas/insults of the past 26 years are still capable of defining my present life. This is not something that will allow me to grow. My goal is to learn to forgive myself for past mistakes and failures to protect myself from physical and emotional harm.  Which by the way is one of the reasons I re-entered the Swing (Life style) Community.  Sometimes forgiving one’s self is harder than forgiving others.
There are some benefits to a fence sitting relationship. One, you have a friend, someone you can pal around with and do things together with. Two, there is some comfort in the fact that you don’t have to put a name to “something” that exists between two people, Your buddies, mates, companions.  Why not just let it be as it is?  Don’t get me wrong sex by/for itself alone has its perks!  It is liberating in more ways than most would imagine. Think about it: There are three components out of five critical areas of maturation from which we derive healthy benefits (emotional, psychological, and physical) present. Emotionally we derive an overall sense of well-being and trust. Physically our happy hormones kick in… promoting a decrease in pain through touch as well as psychological feeling nurtured and loved at the same time.  In fact this particular hormone is nicknamed the love hormone!  
Many people though offer cautionary tales of warning.  Those individuals who naively enter FWB relationship are usually floored to discover that it is not as simple as what it is perceived to be.  Strangely enough these forms of causal relationships always turn out to be vastly different than predicted, if one can even logically do so.  Madame Noire offers the following advice for those considering this type of relationship. Avoid being FWB with close friends and family and understand this, once your relationship changes it can never return to what it once was! Wisely it is … you must choose, Padawan!

Stephanie Pappas, Senior Writer 
Published:/04/2013 09:35 AM EST on Live Science
At long last, science has defined "booty call." Huff Post Women April 7, 2015


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

More Kernals

Don’t take this the wrong way but(s)…set me off and put me on edge.  I know, something that’s going to “irk” me, is about to be said; steal a quick breath unnoticed- hold it then wait!

Why do poly people re-act with suspicion or outright disdain and derision over “my feelings? Is it because they cannot understand from a logical standpoint or are they reacting with their own emotional response and therefore need to look with-in themselves?

It is just my luck to find every relationship anarchist possible.  I’m sorry, even when one lives without rules or established boundaries; allowing others to act on their own conscious in their parings you have just made a rule. Living in one or the other realm has its own naturally occurring rules and parameters.

I don’t have to be best friends with my metas. I just have to find a way to be okay with them.  Don’t they have family and friends to support and fill their emotional vaults? They need me to do that as well.

I am loaning you out, so to speak, to someone else on an intermittent basis, the very least they could do is be civil; and conscious of their interactions with you and limit that during “our” time.

I really don’t like being around individuals who are in NRE (new relationship energy) it’s the third wheel syndrome and most likely they don’t see it! Or down play it. Yup- you are physically there but not really. You've become the side kick slash wing-man.  Your job, should you choose to take this mission is to support polybirds endeavor with the new and shiny person of interest. You get a wink, a nod and maybe an opportunity to get a word in edgewise!

If this NRE, with one person, stop the bus and let me off at the next changeover….Please! More than one potential girl friend and I will never get to have time alone with polybird to meet my needs and desires without that intrusive prevalent sound [knock, knock, knock] from the little flat box.

If patience is a virtue… I don’t want to be virtuous.

NRE can just giddy-up and go right along with my libby-doe and gone.  Not sexy people!

Is txting 24/7 okay during waking hours or are there other considerations.  As an illustration: if I was txting back and forth with polybird while he was spending the day with my metamour would it be frowned on?  Would it be frowned on to read and respond to txt during business dinners or couples dinners? 
What’s the protocol? Is there ever a time when it is not okay to txt! I’m guessing that Miss Manners would reply yes to the last question! However- I am told in today’s current culture txting is not frowned on as much as I think due to the simple fact that we are socially connected 24 hours a day. True- my question is this- do we require ourselves to react to this phenomenon as if it is an immediate emergency or can we live without it as we did 50 years ago? This is decidedly something that is individualistic between couples/pairings.

I’m not sure I believe in hierarchical pairings but I can’t shake the idea of earned sweat equity. Twenty-seven years is not the same a one year of dating.  The psychology of Life either breaks or binds us.  Those moments are fairly earned and need to be recognized and acknowledged as having value and meritorious in nature.

It is a very weird dynamic spending time with metamours. Personally I have this niggling sensation/feeling that I've been sent on a mission to ferret out all the little unspoken secrets.  Maybe, I should make it my business not to discuss such things with polybird simply as a matter of principle alone  One thing I have determined is that conversation at this point in time revolves around DH.  Is this just a stage and how long will it last?

I fear disclosing “our” health history to potential partners in the lifestyle. My thought is… that DH will be supported by his emotional bond with potential paramours.  As that bond strengthens rejection is less likely to occur. I am the one,  as a swinger, that will encounter difficulties.  



Thursday, March 26, 2015

Unthinkable but Not Broken

Drama has come home to roost, in a big way, and I am immensely upset.  I just want to crawl into a hole and wail my lungs out till there is no more in me. My worst fear has come to be!  Myself and DH are now members of a growing subset of adults over the age of 50 with a newly acquired STD.

Opening a relationship is-not easy as most would agree now there is this to contend with. Till the day we die we will be on supressive therapy.  For me, personally I feel as if I have a whole in my chest; a blank empty space. I don’t want to rail, point fingers, take pot shots or otherwise demean my metamour or people we have had contact with, in the lifestyle. They are some of the most friendly communicative and honest people I have met.

I am in such a flap that I really don’t know what to do with myself.  This is just another life event to add to my already well notched belt of unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, cheating, cancer, opening a marriage- the pot just keeps swirling, whirling and growing!
Remember when I said “Hey everyone has good days and bad days”, well this has been a horrible month. Pain, no appetite, not being able to sit comfortably long enough to drive, headaches, nausea, ennui, having to go commando and not wear my pretties (indignity of indignities)have stretched my tolerances as far as they can go.  Moving
ahead and getting over it, not allowing myself to be angry seems at best to be unreasonable if not unthinkable.This is what I use to harp on constantly in discussion after discussion(s) with DH driving him cuckoo.  I do not handle drama well, nor do I want or need it. It pulls back all those feelings and fears I've tried to re-program.

I don’t know what will happen to our(fwb) friends with benefits relationship, which by the way is now tenuously termed polyamorous, no big surprise there.  Still no one wants to sit down and have the “P” talk.  Truthfully I don’t know if we/they ever will at this juncture. 
DH is not ready for more of a committed, relationship and neither is my metamour.  He simply wants more one to one time alone with her ---no big news there either. Though how that can be accomplished I don't know as she is married also.For me that seems to be a common theme in all relationships. My personal mantra here is …while they gain- we maintain! 

But life has a way of derailing us just when we think we are getting a handle on this whole poly thing and this is one of those times when DH “polyness” has turned and dealt us/him the most ironic slap in the face possible. Had I not chosen to tentatively re-enter the lifestyle as DH  was bring poly fully on board into our marriage this event would have most likely not occurred.  I can’t say as I have processed this whole event. I know  it certainly does not feel like it.  Who or where this came from is not the point of this commentary, the real point is what happens to us from this point fore-ward.



Friday, March 13, 2015

Heartstoppers

Heartstoppers occur, you know it will go away.  These occur anytime sensitive boundaries are unknowingly breached. A heartstopper is a real physiological reaction to the unexpected.  It is a hard thud followed by a slight dizzying sensation and sometimes a shortness of breath, almost as if it’s been knocked out of you.  1-2-3-4-5
Don’t say anything. Your stomach lurches, begins to twitch or sinks.  Absorb the sensation… It will pass.Welcome to the reptilian/primitive brain kicking in.  Much has been written about this nasty function that seemingly occurs with-out even thinking; an evolutionary adjustment tactic for survival –probably.  A construct that is detrimental to our psychological, emotional and cognitive interactions-very probably.  There has been some research conducted that supports the premise of rejection piggybacking on to pain receptor sites in the brain. This would create strong neuro –chemical bonding producing a physical causality. i.e. shortness of breath, stomach lurching a real physical pain in the chest! There has also been a correlation between individuals who take  Tylenol/acetaminophen and a reduction in the pain associated with rejection/loss.Your natural tendency is to cover for yourself, posture/present/protect in a manner that buffers and mitigates the event or is
self-soothing.
Tip: Engage the brain.  Blurting out the first thing that come to your mind is really not a good idea.  (X) statements_____________
usually begin with buts, and end in watered down excuses.  This is an open ended recipe for disaster and communication breakdown.

Here is a heartstopper- Ladybird has a seminar over the weekend.  DH/polybird would like to accompany her.  The problem I have with this is I am not sure ‘I believe’ everyone is on the same page.  There has been too much discussion about the nature of polyamory, what it is and conceptualizing this type of relationship structure.  Polybird is fine, so he tells me, with remaining in a friends with benefit (fwb) situation.  The intuitive part of me senses a curiosity from what could be my metamour and her significant other (SO). The only thought I could come up with was let this pairing mature on its own, try not to compartmentalize it, or name it!  My preference is for a very ethical and fideletous boundary.  We just need to ensure it is fully consensual. I can’t handle
drama-yet in a medical emergency I turn into super nurse/doctor/researcher, go figure!  It is hard for me to allow free flowing progression of a fwb arrangement, notice the terminology, to something more! By something more- I don’t know what that is. I have nothing to compare it with.  It does not quite seem like what ‘I believe’ polyamory to be. So… I thought maybe we should redefine
our notion of what love and emotional attachment is more clearly, as the Greeks did.

Western society would have us believe in the princess (happy ever after) concept of love and relationships, though we understand that to be far-fetched. Ah…. But then maybe there is a small seed of truth. One person for romance and love.  How then do we explain dating?  Is dating a search for the one… trial monogamy?  We have become a culture that is serially-monogamous pairings.
My question is this… ‘how is this any better, periodically chopping up and redistributing family units? It sounds like some kind of a test or lab experiment.  Take beaker number one and add it to beaker number two and you have created a familial unit, Ta-da.  The Greek clearly defined six classifications of love and emotional attachment. Not all of these six were regarded as beneficial. Agape’ you are probably familiar with.  It is a selfless love for all and a universal loving kindness for strangers.  Eros was considered to be a dangerous fiery and irrational form of love, often defined by a loss of control (sexual passion) and was not to be sought after.

Phila means friendship. This friendship shared emotional bonds as well as the associated traits of comradery, loyalty and sacrifice.  Between a parent and child this would be called storge. Ludus is a playful love affection between children and ‘young love’) note the terminology, again.
Flirting, teasing are the hallmarks of this kind if adult frivolity.  You’ve seen this before as new relationship energy –can you say NRE people! 
Pragma- this is the one I find interesting.  Greek culture strived to obtain this. It is described as a longstanding love, with deep understanding that has developed in long paired/married individuals where-by the make compromises to help the relationship work, displaying patience and tolerance. bingo- Bingo-BINGO! They made an effort to give as well as receive.  Wow…. I really think they might be on to something here.
Last but not least is Philautia or self-love which enhances a wider capacity to love.  If you have enough love/belief in yourself you will have plenty to offer others. Some would call this self-actualization others would call this self-compassion while others still might refer to this
as a form of polyamory.

I know’ in theory’ this is not my relationship it is polybirds. I am, however, included in it because of my bond to DH/polybird.  I Feel as though I see things very much cut and dried, even living with-in the lifestyle.  A tomato is a tomato and not a fruit! Yes?  I view DH ‘Polyness” as shifting realities almost like that of free form art; while he on the other hand, tells me that his own concept of poly is
well defined and he tries to adhere to that premise as a matter of honor!   So how so we get past this ambiguousness.  I think in this instance everyone should meet.  It’s not an impasse… it’s a puzzle that needs to be teased apart thread by thread-no shortcuts!


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bullets from the Rear Too

This is not what you think.  We've gone through a lot of points, most of which you probably have experienced in one form or another. Sometimes it is enough to know others have gone through what you are going through.  I can’t fix it for you, but I can surely reassure you that you can and will emerge on the other side perhaps a little stronger, more self-assure, and happy.  Imagine that!

How do you see the current state of your relationship? Is it working for you and your SO.  Is it not working? (Is it strained, relaxed, or changing) Or is it all of the above.  No one is perfect.  Force yourself to learn from mistakes made, accept it, and continue on your path.  This is a thinking list or a plan of action list.  It is a deliberately planned path addressing issues that may come about. It also addresses what you want your
evolving relationship to look like.  For the time being it directly reduces the impact of poly-birds date nights. You know, that zinger that sneaks up on you when you least expect it and ruins your perfectly hard won quiet. It enlists feedback and communication between all parties. Coordinated calendars, schedules and monthly meetings are extremely important.  Utilizing technology there is really no excuse as to why all parties cannot be present during family meetings! Skype, conference calling etcetera. Everyone needs to be on the same page this does not mean that all parties concerned are best mates. It does means we are considerate and caring of everyone else that is part of the extended family. Some of us will have to work harder than others to accept this. Animosities are put aside, no finger-pointing is allowed, and given names are the only acceptable form of address.

What is necessary to re-focus/re-frame your thoughts while transitioning from a (cheating) dyad to being the point of a vee, triad, polycule or practitioning swinger? Do you need a counselor or therapist to help you through communication strategies or understanding how your mate/SO expresses love? Do your immediate family members support you with out fault finding involvement? Do you have support systems outside the home?  I guarantee there is a space/place for you to meet like minds.  Google It!  Being able to talk with like minds reduces the pressure cooker with-in us, creating positive experiences, presenting an available network of companions for emergent issues outside monthly meetings as well as friends.

Here’s another bullet –relationships’ that are opened under duress require a great deal of understanding, finesse and attention to survive.  The SOB list, significant other boundaries, details things needed to reduce anxiety’s, misgivings, and potential conflicts. It takes into account the following:

·         NRE (new relationship energy)management
·         No drama
·         Safe abode, places to be in control and gather thoughts
·         Home health management
·         Jealousy reduction
·         Identification of triggers- anything from names to activities


I've deliberately left my definition of a good relationship out and chosen to focus on what you can do to support a better relationship.  Focus of having fun together. Learn how to play again. Ask for what you want/need this is DH favorite axiom, if you don’t ask… you won’t get what you want. I am not a mind reader! Create a ritual to check in with each other. How about texting a silly message as simple as “Hi sweet-ums”or Tonight, You, Me Hot Coco? Focus on intimate sexy time … think outside the box! Margaritas and a foot massage? Now that’s heaven and a good laugh waiting to happen! How about candy making gone wild. Just a little planning and voila!

Use your senses to keep things in check (there are five) taste, touch, hearing, smell and sight. The sixth is common sense the seventh is intuition based on working knowledge
See you SO/mate for who s/he really is.  Then things can begin the process of change.
Love does not rescue you from being alone. Learn to be comfortable being by yourself
Learn to let go of past expectations. Relationships do not remain static; they have a natural ebb and flow: grow, change and stretch their limitations.  Relationships move back and forth on a day to day basis like a Lava lamp.

 Lava Lamps bubble and ooze silently-ever so slowly sliding colored spheres, of emotions if you will, against each other.  They constantly adjust, re-assimilate and adjust again.  Kind of sexy if you ask me, but more than that it’s probably the best analogy I can think of that demonstrates how relationships flow and therefore emotions with them. 
You don’t have to agree, but experience leads me to believe more whole-heartedly that it is much easier to communicate freely and openly when there are no constraints or expectations other than ones forged with-in the bounds of your current  relationship with your mate





Monday, February 16, 2015

Have We Been Outed

Wandering out and about in the world today I began watching to see if I could find individuals who appeared to be in non-monogamous relationships.  Apparently there is not much chance of doing that while driving but it does make you more aware of the personalities around you.  People watching is a hobby of mine as well as being an instrumental part of my profession. First, I went to the Women’s center …No I did not see any individuals that looked as if they could be involved in any sort of non-monogamous relationship!  How would one know what to look for anyway?

It’s not like they wear sticky notes or have neon blinking signs.  Then it was off to the Oncologists office. No…again- the only thing I found there was a lot of people waiting to see their doctors.  By the time 3:00 p.m. rolled around I’d been at it for seven hours and hunger was setting in so it was off to to eat at a wonderful cafĂ© whose mission is to help women, addicts and prostitutes, lift themselves out of living off the streets and become members of society.There I met, saw and talked with beautiful, strong women. Once again no strange or different looking individuals, just nice
normal looking folk. Here we are descending fast and furiously into the ultimate party of the year known simply as Mardi Gras and I can’t find those non-monogamous lurkers. Where did they disappear to? I’ll tell you…. exactly where you would expect any normal person/s to be: at work, home taking care of family/children, paying bills, grocery shopping banking, picking up the kids after soccer, etcetera. These “people” are you and I.

Why are you afraid?  What is the real issue you don’t want to face? I’m afraid of somehow being singled out as different!  Um-Yes, there is a very real potential for this to occur early on when a new couple/pairing exhibits the usual traits associated with new relationship energy (NRE): being giddy around each other, acting like kids on a first date, poking, bumping shoulders, swinging hands, googly eyes, you saw it when you began to notice boys/girls for the first time.  This stuff is a powerful bathing those involved in a neuro-chemical bath of Dr. Feel Goods love potion number 9 and sexual tension you could cut with a knife. It is palpable enough to make others take a second glance. So yes- technically you could be outed.

Everyone looks alike in public and unless you or your poly-bird/poly-beau does something overt to draw attention to the situation transpiring remember your simple a group of friends out having fun and relaxing! Pointing out these transgressions in a positive manner will go a long way to minimize that feeling. Sometimes, however new polys enter a rebellious stage not unlike a teenager trying to find themselves and learning to fly on their own. We just don’t expect it to come from an
adult who has been married X number of years. The majority of the time when you are out with your beloveds it is usually as a couple, not a triad or quad. If you see a mixed group of adults, do you automatically assume its two married couples/quad and a unicorn (single lady who plays with the couple) or two LGBTQ couples and an extra friend.  I doubt it! Are you afraid there is some kind of sign attached to your beloved advertising that s/he is polyamorous and women will flock to them overcoming them with their feminine wiles.  Again I doubt it.

From experience: I know that what I fear is the probability that my current emotional state will be clearly discernible. I will suffer the indignities of pity and humiliation and yes perhaps the scorn of other women. I know my emotional state will change on a day to day basis. I also know that as I find and identify triggers this will lessen.  Hey- everyone has good and bad days.

  • ·         You won’t always want to or need to meet the SO
  • ·         A good DH can and will be inclusive of all parties at such meetings
  • ·         You will set how much you are capable of dealing with from your beloved
  • ·         talk about NRE especially as you see it happening* This is huge for me!
  • ·         create your safe place where poly does not intrude

I do have one amusing story to demonstrate how far we can travel as monogamish individuals.  Poly-bird and I have a friends with benefits situation.  All of us were out, at a local Piano Bar together, enjoying the evening and singing at the top of our lungs.  At the end of the night,
someone who should have known better came up to us and asked “Now, who is with who, you’re with _____________________ and began shaking his head quizzically as if he just could not grasp the situation.  The first thing I told poly-bird, when I could stop laughing, was he should know better than to assume anything about current relationship statuses' especially as we were at a lifestyle event!  I’m still tickled by that story every time I think about it! It just goes to the point never assume!