Unthinkable but Not Broken

Drama has come home to roost, in a big way, and I am immensely upset.  I just want to crawl into a hole and wail my lungs out till there is no more in me. My worst fear has come to be!  Myself and DH are now members of a growing subset of adults over the age of 50 with a newly acquired STD.

Opening a relationship is-not easy as most would agree now there is this to contend with. Till the day we die we will be on supressive therapy.  For me, personally I feel as if I have a whole in my chest; a blank empty space. I don’t want to rail, point fingers, take pot shots or otherwise demean my metamour or people we have had contact with, in the lifestyle. They are some of the most friendly communicative and honest people I have met.

I am in such a flap that I really don’t know what to do with myself.  This is just another life event to add to my already well notched belt of unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, cheating, cancer, opening a marriage- the pot just keeps swirling, whirling and growing!

Remember when I said “Hey everyone has good days and bad days”, well this has been a horrible month. Pain, no appetite, not being able to sit comfortably long enough to drive, headaches, nausea, ennui, having to go commando and not wear my pretties (indignity of indignities)have stretched my tolerances as far as they can go.  Moving

ahead and getting over it, not allowing myself to be angry seems at best to be unreasonable if not unthinkable.This is what I use to harp on constantly in discussion after discussion(s) with DH driving him cuckoo.  I do not handle drama well, nor do I want or need it. It pulls back all those feelings and fears I've tried to re-program.

I don’t know what will happen to our(fwb) friends with benefits relationship, which by the way is now tenuously termed polyamorous, no big surprise there.  Still no one wants to sit down and have the “P” talk.  Truthfully I don’t know if we/they ever will at this juncture. 

DH is not ready for more of a committed, relationship and neither is my metamour.  He simply wants more one to one time alone with her ---no big news there either. Though how that can be accomplished I don't know as she is married also.For me that seems to be a common theme in all relationships. My personal mantra here is …while they gain- we maintain! 

But life has a way of derailing us just when we think we are getting a handle on this whole poly thing and this is one of those times when DH “polyness” has turned and dealt us/him the most ironic slap in the face possible. Had I not chosen to tentatively re-enter the lifestyle as DH  was bring poly fully on board into our marriage this event would have most likely not occurred.  I can’t say as I have processed this whole event. I know  it certainly does not feel like it.  Who or where this came from is not the point of this commentary, the real point is what happens to us from this point fore-ward.