Help I’m not Polyamorous: I'm learning to Cope

What is happy?  Happy is an individualized construct; things that you and I …need,

want and strive for in order to obtain a sense of worth intrinsic to ourselves.

If your construct is challenged or a piece of it is taken away; conflict, hurt, anger, resentment, blame and fear are often the outcomes. Let it Go…..Let It Go… Let It Go! 

Yowl It Out.  Sorry.. I couldn't help it!

Catharsis is an unprecedented outpouring, baby babbling if you will, about everything, anything and nothing.  Gadzooks does it pour out! It comes out In rivers of spewing despair and self- hatred. When the bomb drops, catharsis is a natural reaction or psychological occurrence developed to protect us from an emotional insult we are 

not yet capable of coping with. Sorry poly peeps patience is the only word of advice 

I can reiterate here. This situation is no longer about you; as soon as you said___________________________ it morphed and became about the relationship at hand.

You and the new ladybird/polybeau have effectively been placed on hold.  Warning:  If you do not place the new relationship on a stand down status you will lose the one you already have.  It is that simple.

We are inundated with so many mixed messages, by society, regarding how relationships are structured, built and evaluated that alternative/free form arrangements are more difficult to accept.  As introspection sets in we begin to tear down and build new foundations; letting go of the old ones while creating untested interactive relationships models.  Are we talking about science fiction in this instance? No. not hardly!  Everything you thought you knew about life or were taught about relationships; by a well-meaning soul, is the equivalent of bad dishwater....useless.  Our understanding of who we are becomes submerged, trust- is tenuous at best, and our discernment is now called into question on a magnitude unlike anything we've yet to experience. Can we learn to accept others for what they bring into our circle (whether it is negative or positive) or will we retreat from acceptance? Worse yet, we are not happy.

So, not only are we unexpectedly thrust into doubting ourselves but the emotional component is quickly swallowing us up. What will work for us, how much change is too much; interfering with our core values necessary to maintain good mental health?

How do we get all of that “stuff” back! How many of these scenarios do you recognize?

Woops… we assign blame. You've heard it- from the time you began school. You lied… You did this… You cheated!

Then anger ensues… I can’t stand your __________ s/he is a ______________.   I’m sick of it…. it’s always about you…Conflict here we come.  You can’t go out when money is not in the budget for us, where is the money going to come from I’d like to know? Valid point yes, using this to inflict a dirty jab below the belt?  What do you think? How about this one… I’m not staying home alone stewing about while you’re out doing a pas de deux.  It gets worse unless you decide to take control.  It gets really lonely inside our heads.  The one thing you cannot become is a victim! Take control of yourself.  Yeah …control hurts, but it’s better than picking yourself up off the floor every time the door shuts behind your beloved. You will hear things that make you want to be physically ill or tear your hair out.  Anything… to not feel the insult and pain to the depths of your being. Scream, yell and thump a stump but wear a mask of civility and be calm as much as possible.  If it helps...I know a good rubber band trick to help break cyclic thinking! Have the number of a good therapist on speed dial.

Don’t think in extremes, stop over generalizing the negative aspects of the current situation and for cryin’ out loud don’t minimize the positive elements. You’re not being thrown a bone just to keep you from being snarky all over the place! You must squarely face it!  Create opportunities for face time with your significant other with-out distractions. If you have children arrange for a friend or family member to babysit

dialogues, especially in the beginning, can be tricky… restate everything you heard to make sure you understood it correctly. I guarantee, based on my own experience

you did not hear what you were being told. Nine times out of ten this is the case and it never ceased to amazes me. What I understand is not what DH/poly-bird gains from the

conversation thus what he believes to be a very generalized conversation can at times be a point of contention or pain. It is extremely revealing, not to mention jarring, to point

these kinds of things out but it must be done so that everyone is on the same page.

Here is another an acronym for you Stay Calm (Create, Accept, Laugh, and Meditate) keep your day to day interactions as positive as you can and ask for help from your significant

other. Make what you are doing a conscious thought and action. Smile at people they will smile back at you… and you will feel better. Find people who are positive.

Change the tone of your thoughts… alter one word from negative verb to a positive one and periodically repeat it periodically through-out the day

Get your lists down on paper it organizes your thoughts and gets some of the vitriol out of your system.  We all admit to having the IDW lists, these are quick emotional off the cuff statements driven by hurt and humiliation.

I Don’t Want:  I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to share

I don’t want to keep secrets. I don’t want to see you and s/he together

I don’t want to meet the OSO

I don’t want the OSO in my home… I need a safe place.

If you have a Don’t Want list… you will definitely need a Happy List!

I want to be Happy, I want to feel Loved (how)

I want equal time, I want rules

I want vacations to be ours alone, I want date nights too, with you

Such lists don’t have to be real or even accurate but this is the basis of a road map for conflict resolution.  Forging a path to the ah-ha moment when you understand in your bones,what you need to be truly happy.