Have We Been Outed

Wandering out and about in the world today I began watching to see if I could find individuals who appeared to be in non-monogamous relationships.  Apparently there is not much chance of doing that while driving but it does make you more aware of the personalities around you.  People watching is a hobby of mine as well as being an instrumental part of my profession. First, I went to the Women’s center …No I did not see any individuals that looked as if they could be involved in any sort of non-monogamous relationship!  How would one know what to look for anyway?

It’s not like they wear sticky notes or have neon blinking signs.  Then it was off to the Oncologists office. No…again- the only thing I found there was a lot of people waiting to see their doctors.  By the time 3:00 p.m. rolled around I’d been at it for seven hours and hunger was setting in so it was off to to eat at a wonderful café whose mission is to help women, addicts and prostitutes, lift themselves out of living off the streets and become members of society.There I met, saw and talked with beautiful, strong women. Once again no strange or different looking individuals, just nice

normal looking folk. Here we are descending fast and furiously into the ultimate party of the year known simply as Mardi Gras and I can’t find those non-monogamous lurkers. Where did they disappear to? I’ll tell you…. exactly where you would expect any normal person/s to be: at work, home taking care of family/children, paying bills, grocery shopping banking, picking up the kids after soccer, etcetera. These “people” are you and I.

Why are you afraid?  What is the real issue you don’t want to face? I’m afraid of somehow being singled out as different!  Um-Yes, there is a very real potential for this to occur early on when a new couple/pairing exhibits the usual traits associated with new relationship energy (NRE): being giddy around each other, acting like kids on a first date, poking, bumping shoulders, swinging hands, googly eyes, you saw it when you began to notice boys/girls for the first time.  This stuff is a powerful bathing those involved in a neuro-chemical bath of Dr. Feel Goods love potion number 9 and sexual tension you could cut with a knife. It is palpable enough to make others take a second glance. So yes- technically you could be outed.

Everyone looks alike in public and unless you or your poly-bird/poly-beau does something overt to draw attention to the situation transpiring remember your simple a group of friends out having fun and relaxing! Pointing out these transgressions in a positive manner will go a long way to minimize that feeling. Sometimes, however new polys enter a rebellious stage not unlike a teenager trying to find themselves and learning to fly on their own. We just don’t expect it to come from an

adult who has been married X number of years. The majority of the time when you are out with your beloveds it is usually as a couple, not a triad or quad. If you see a mixed group of adults, do you automatically assume its two married couples/quad and a unicorn (single lady who plays with the couple) or two LGBTQ couples and an extra friend.  I doubt it! Are you afraid there is some kind of sign attached to your beloved advertising that s/he is polyamorous and women will flock to them overcoming them with their feminine wiles.  Again I doubt it.

From experience: I know that what I fear is the probability that my current emotional state will be clearly discernible. I will suffer the indignities of pity and humiliation and yes perhaps the scorn of other women. I know my emotional state will change on a day to day basis. I also know that as I find and identify triggers this will lessen.  Hey- everyone has good and bad days.

• ·         You won’t always want to or need to meet the SO
• ·         A good DH can and will be inclusive of all parties at such meetings
• ·         You will set how much you are capable of dealing with from your beloved
• ·         talk about NRE especially as you see it happening* This is huge for me!
• ·         create your safe place where poly does not intrude

I do have one amusing story to demonstrate how far we can travel as monogamish individuals.  Poly-bird and I have a friends with benefits situation.  All of us were out, at a local Piano Bar together, enjoying the evening and singing at the top of our lungs.  At the end of the night,

someone who should have known better came up to us and asked “Now, who is with who, you’re with _____________________ and began shaking his head quizzically as if he just could not grasp the situation.  The first thing I told poly-bird, when I could stop laughing, was he should know better than to assume anything about current relationship statuses' especially as we were at a lifestyle event!  I’m still tickled by that story every time I think about it! It just goes to the point never assume!