Bullets from the Rear Too

This is not what you think.  We've gone through a lot of points, most of which you probably have experienced in one form or another. Sometimes it is enough to know others have gone through what you are going through.  I can’t fix it for you, but I can surely reassure you that you can and will emerge on the other side perhaps a little stronger, more self-assure, and happy.  Imagine that!

How do you see the current state of your relationship? Is it working for you and your SO.  Is it not working? (Is it strained, relaxed, or changing) Or is it all of the above.  No one is perfect.  Force yourself to learn from mistakes made, accept it, and continue on your path.  This is a thinking list or a plan of action list.  It is a deliberately planned path addressing issues that may come about. It also addresses what you want your

evolving relationship to look like.  For the time being it directly reduces the impact of poly-birds date nights. You know, that zinger that sneaks up on you when you least expect it and ruins your perfectly hard won quiet. It enlists feedback and communication between all parties. Coordinated calendars, schedules and monthly meetings are extremely important.  Utilizing technology there is really no excuse as to why all parties cannot be present during family meetings! Skype, conference calling etcetera. Everyone needs to be on the same page this does not mean that all parties concerned are best mates. It does means we are considerate and caring of everyone else that is part of the extended family. Some of us will have to work harder than others to accept this. Animosities are put aside, no finger-pointing is allowed, and given names are the only acceptable form of address.

What is necessary to re-focus/re-frame your thoughts while transitioning from a (cheating) dyad to being the point of a vee, triad, polycule or practitioning swinger? Do you need a counselor or therapist to help you through communication strategies or understanding how your mate/SO expresses love? Do your immediate family members support you with out fault finding involvement? Do you have support systems outside the home?  I guarantee there is a space/place for you to meet like minds.  Google It!  Being able to talk with like minds reduces the pressure cooker with-in us, creating positive experiences, presenting an available network of companions for emergent issues outside monthly meetings as well as friends.

Here’s another bullet –relationships’ that are opened under duress require a great deal of understanding, finesse and attention to survive.  The SOB list, significant other boundaries, details things needed to reduce anxiety’s, misgivings, and potential conflicts. It takes into account the following:

·         NRE (new relationship energy)management

·         No drama

·         Safe abode, places to be in control and gather thoughts

·         Home health management

·         Jealousy reduction

·         Identification of triggers- anything from names to activities

I've deliberately left my definition of a good relationship out and chosen to focus on what you can do to support a better relationship.  Focus of having fun together. Learn how to play again. Ask for what you want/need this is DH favorite axiom, if you don’t ask… you won’t get what you want. I am not a mind reader! Create a ritual to check in with each other. How about texting a silly message as simple as “Hi sweet-ums”or Tonight, You, Me Hot Coco? Focus on intimate sexy time … think outside the box! Margaritas and a foot massage? Now that’s heaven and a good laugh waiting to happen! How about candy making gone wild. Just a little planning and voila!

Use your senses to keep things in check (there are five) taste, touch, hearing, smell and sight. The sixth is common sense the seventh is intuition based on working knowledge

See you SO/mate for who s/he really is.  Then things can begin the process of change.

Love does not rescue you from being alone. Learn to be comfortable being by yourself

Learn to let go of past expectations. Relationships do not remain static; they have a natural ebb and flow: grow, change and stretch their limitations.  Relationships move back and forth on a day to day basis like a Lava lamp.

 Lava Lamps bubble and ooze silently-ever so slowly sliding colored spheres, of emotions if you will, against each other.  They constantly adjust, re-assimilate and adjust again.  Kind of sexy if you ask me, but more than that it’s probably the best analogy I can think of that demonstrates how relationships flow and therefore emotions with them. 

You don’t have to agree, but experience leads me to believe more whole-heartedly that it is much easier to communicate freely and openly when there are no constraints or expectations other than ones forged with-in the bounds of your current  relationship with your mate