Friends with Benefits, Pleased to Meet You

Friends with Benefits, Pleased to Meet YOU

Reality TV is pervasive now days, recently a new series has come to the foray… you guessed it ‘Neighbor’s with Benefits’ following several married couples in suburban Ohio as they swapped partners.  Sorry to say, as of this writing A&E has discontinued the series after only 2 episodes. Okay, I have to find the remaining seven episodes if only to see how they treat the subject matter. I read a study, posted to the Journal Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2013, by researcher Peter Jonason of the University of Western Sydney, that focused on defining booty call, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits arrangements and other casual sex relationships "There is such a range of relationships, and we tend to be loose in the terms we use to define and describe them," (Pappas, 2015) Jonason said.

Jonason wanted to provide definitions that offered insight into the functions of each of these relationships. Each participant was asked to rank how likely booty calls, friends with benefits (people who have casual sex while remaining "just friends"), long-term relationships and one-night stands were to fulfill each of four functions: sexual gratification, social and emotional support, a "trial run" for a serious relationship and a placeholder to stave off boredom or to bide time until something better came along. (Pappas, 2015)

Apparently, my intrinsic definition of friends with benefits (FWB) is not the same as other folks; this in itself may explain some of the difficulty we have as paired couples, singles or life partners in our overall responses to the notion of casual sex. No one is on the same page! I am also of the opinion that most would refer to this scenario as pure semantics.  Just as there is more than one way to practice polyamory i.e. poly dating, poly sex, tantric poly, dating with in your own preferential relationship style, the same is true for all other self-proscribed boundaries.  My personal belief is you can choose to either live or not live with in your preferred construct of relational identities. Yes I can hear the booing from the poly corner of the ring but… just because your status changes does not mean you no longer prefer being open or closed. Isn’t it really about the freedom to act on your preference whether or not one does so?

Monogamous individuals have practiced poly variations and withdrawn for various reasons the most notable being that particular relationship style was not compatible with their own identity. We are all too familiar with and or well aware of polyamorous individuals who have practiced monogamous variants as a current reflection of their relationship.  I define a friends with benefit (FWB) relationship as a variation of open marriage (blanket or umbrella term) with the following things in common

·         Usually friends

·         Have common interests

·         Outgoing

·         Honest

·         Transparent

·         Degree of trust present between consenting adults

·         Generally one reserves a gesture or particular intimacy for their life partner

For me, I associate a FWB relationship with swinging rightly or wrongly.  I also firmly believe that there are boundaries present to protect the original couple structure.  This is primarily due to the fact once you stray outside those parameters/rules the potential for emotional involvement becomes much more real and overlaid with happy hormones produced during intercourse itself forming a stronger chemical bond than one without a physical component.  Based on discussion with others in the lifestyle, those practicing FWB, Many do not play outside a closed circle of friends.

The urban dictionary defines FWB as two friends who have sexual relationship with-out being emotional involved or good friends having casual sex with-out commitment of any kind and lacking jealousy. Another defines FWB as any relationship whereby friends are actively engaged in a relationship a step down from a serious one but not so far as to exclude physical involvement. Middle ground exists between hot and heavy romance and a platonic relationship, quixotically it is also referring to such as a fence sitting because the relationship could tip in either direction.

Elite daily has posted an Op-ed piece titled the Ten Commandments to being Friends with Benefits here elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-comman…. by Gayana Sarkisova. Should you wish to read the full article. The rules are simple and not at all what a poly peep would be comfortable with.  In fact they would argue with you till the cows come home over the concept. But, for a swinger like myself they are easily applied and non-threatening. That being said because poly-bird and I are in Poly-Mono Swing Style of relating and choose to be open at this time… compromises have been made to define what is acceptable to both of us in boundaries and perimeters that cannot be crossed.

For polybird it is a step down from full on poly relationship, where-as for me it is step toward it! In that

·         Emotional connections already exist

·         Txts, occur daily and frequently

·         NRE is in full swing as in all she talks about is Polybird while he becomes defensive if I verbalize what I believe are common and very noticeable instances of “giddy” behavior

·         She is not interested in seeking new relationships or keeping the door open to such. At least not that I have been told. The rational is they are too busy to do so. Polybird would be happy to maintain the status quot at this time.

·         Some jealousy is present already. This tidbit popped out in discussions; over a hypothetical scenario that has zero % probability of occurring, between Poly bird and Lady-bird.

It is strange where one finds the truth waiting to be uncovered!  You just need to ask the right questions. So this bring me back to the original question is this a friends with benefits situations?  Categorically yes between Lady-birds significant other and myself though I’m afraid the same cannot be said for Poly and Lady bird. My belief is that she is more comfortable using terms like open relationship or swinging to define her current preferred status and so is Poly bird though he always refers to what exists, between all parties concerned, as friends with benefits which is technically not true.  My ultimate disadvantage throughout all of this is, I believe, is a lack of emotional availability.  I seem to find it harder and harder and much more difficult with each passing moment to be emotionally present. Apparently the emotional traumas/insults of the past 26 years are still capable of defining my present life. This is not something that will allow me to grow. My goal is to learn to forgive myself for past mistakes and failures to protect myself from physical and emotional harm.  Which by the way is one of the reasons I re-entered the Swing (Life style) Community.  Sometimes forgiving one’s self is harder than forgiving others.

There are some benefits to a fence sitting relationship. One, you have a friend, someone you can pal around with and do things together with. Two, there is some comfort in the fact that you don’t have to put a name to “something” that exists between two people, Your buddies, mates, companions.  Why not just let it be as it is?  Don’t get me wrong sex by/for itself alone has its perks!  It is liberating in more ways than most would imagine. Think about it: There are three components out of five critical areas of maturation from which we derive healthy benefits (emotional, psychological, and physical) present. Emotionally we derive an overall sense of well-being and trust. Physically our happy hormones kick in… promoting a decrease in pain through touch as well as psychological feeling nurtured and loved at the same time.  In fact this particular hormone is nicknamed the love hormone!  

Many people though offer cautionary tales of warning.  Those individuals who naively enter FWB relationship are usually floored to discover that it is not as simple as what it is perceived to be.  Strangely enough these forms of causal relationships always turn out to be vastly different than predicted, if one can even logically do so.  Madame Noire offers the following advice for those considering this type of relationship. Avoid being FWB with close friends and family and understand this, once your relationship changes it can never return to what it once was! Wisely it is … you must choose, Padawan!

Stephanie Pappas, Senior Writer 
Published:/04/2013 09:35 AM EST on Live Science

At long last, science has defined "booty call." Huff Post Women April 7, 2015